Friday, 31 August 2007

Going about my business

Welcome back true believers!

After my endevours regarding daytime tv and a day off work I had to take a break from the wild, swinging day to day lonliness that a holiday off work brings. So I went back to work on my trusty Claude Butler bicycle. I do love it. I won't bore you with the details of my incredibly important job. However let's just say youtube is better than Friends Reunited. You can't be harrased by twats from the office building opposite saying things like: "were you that kid in geography that used to shit his pants? We should meet up sometime!". This is not what I need when I'm enjoying murky water (coffee) and sitting with my pipe "concentrating" (working). Therfore Youtube wins by default as I can listen to Bonnie Prince Billie: Agnes queen of sorrow, and then watch a cat playing chopsticks on a piano. Not that I'm advertising http//

One particularly bizarre evening last week I returned home from work on my Claude Butler and decided to purchase some chocolate digestives and some cider from Lidl. This is where the normality comes shuddering to a stop. I encountered a local legend on the cider circuit and he educated me on how he relaxes of a tuesday evening: He drinks just the right amount of cheap cider, and it takes him to a world of wonder and colour punctuated by kids on motorbikes in hoodies. He shrinks to the size of an ant and grabs on to the wing of a bee, and drifts along the air like a murmur, into a flower, down the stem of the flower and back into the wines section of Lidl. It's quite a journey. If he drinks the wrong amount of cheap cider he just pukes beef and tomato pot noodle all over his shoes.

Disturbed by the psychadelic heights and depths that cider drinking can take you to, I drank earl grey whilst listening to The Late Junction.

Check back sometime next week when I'll be doing some more fun things.

This week Connellsdad has been listening to: Richard Thompson: Hit me baby

Connellsdad's colour of the week is: That yellow-y colour your piss goes when you haven't drank enough water.

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Daytime tv and other such debauchery

Hello true believers!
I had a day off today... Halleluiah you think when you get a day off. But for me, a day filled with time to be filled fills me with uncontrollable rage. And desire for cider. I awoke to CBBC nipping at my ears like a flick knife; not quite substantial enough to cause any considerable pain but not small enough to simply tickle. Here's something that does tickle: The Jeremy Kyle Show. Never has the the formula of a comfortable middle class man, shouting at a working class man, provoking violence in their simple minds so they will consequently be beaten by a burly security guard worked so well in the 09:30 slot. I enjoyed this debacle so much that I donned a purple suit and hurled abuse at locals. During this endevour I encountered Kate Moss, bird of that junkie that was in a band once. It appears she's fallen on hard times, as she was working at the chippie in town and looking rough as sandpaper. Thorny sandpaper. I initiated the charm and managed to get a chicken and mushroom. I then read her a poem (that spotty pale type she's with writes poems). Needless to say she didnt enjoy it. It seems the court injunction has yet again been breached.
Then I drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.
Check back next week when I'll be doing more fun things

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Welcome true believers

Now that I have my collection of diary entries from my myspace posted I can now get back to regular posts. So at last I can say:


Well since I last got my typing fingers in motion a lot has happened. I've been on a family holiday. We visited a fine pub where I talked very loudly about the incredibly small portion put on by the new chef that night. In doing so I shattered some birds self-esteem so now she'll eat even less and serve even smaller portions, but enough about my troubles with the young ladies, or as popular rapper MC lycra would say, woes with the hoes. He's a rascal!

Me and my son Connell "The Kick Conspiracy" made a brief appearance at local chav extravaganza the weldon fest. We scuppered the organisers plans for a lycra free festival as I turned up in my newest look: Cowboy Cyclist Chic. It involves a small pair of lyrca shorts and bright orange shades and a cowboy hat.

Now that you've caught up with the goings on over the last month or so I can get back to the nitty gritty grind of my day to day life. Today was quite a fullfilling day. I awoke to the sound of some nut-job knocking on my door asking if he could borrow a lidl bag to shit in. This is not the start to the day a high flyer like me needs.

I staged my first auditions for my second feature film entitled: "The Rain From No-where". It is a silent movie starring only Scandinavian hobo's. I went through the ranks of Sweden's streets. I encountered a lovely lass named Guus. She assured me that she was in fact a female and that she has all the things in all the right places. She had quite a stubbly face though...

Then I drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.

Check back tomorrow when I'll be doing some more fun things.

Amy you wino!

Hey true believers!

Yesterday was splendid! I got a visit from Bob Geldof asking me to headline live aid 3 with him. He brought his lovely daughter Peaches round. She wanted me to feed her world so I sent them both packing with a tin of sardines from Lidl. Scruffy Irish bastard...

I've also been experimenting with drinking in public. Makes it feel more authentic y'know? I made my way to the park with a plastic bottle but it didn't feel quite right so I donned a comical nose bandage and put me white lighting in a brown paper bag for the full experience. I got a bit pissed and started screaming at Amy Winehouse. lovely girl she is but she's a bit mental even by my standards. I gave her my version of "rehab" and she phoned the police.

It seems the court injunction is having little effect.

The rumour mill

Hello it's been a while my friends.

I have had a turbulent few weeks. Please please please could someone put a stop to the rumours that I am responsible for the removal of underwear from the washing lines in the Exeter estate. Was that you Connell? you little nob. I happen to know the man who is responsible and he's not a nice chappy. He drinks at the candle incidently...

Yesterday was a fullfilling day. I worked out Love will tear us apart with my son and we should be hitting the festival circuit shortly. Keep an eye out for the Big Session in De Montfort. I then walked the dog round the back of lidl and then I had a cup of tea.

Got home and drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.

check back soon when I'll be doing more exciting things.


Finally I have won an oscar for my outstanding contribution to budget French arthouse movies. My film entitled simply "Why" examined the nature of humans and asked the question "Why do we fight". I also won the award for "most pretentious movie" by some magazines. This annoyed me immensely.

After the glitz of the ceremony I caught up with Amy Winehouse. It seems the court injunction is having little effect.
Now that I've finally been taught by my son to access my blog I can make sure only the facts about my fun life are posted.
Yesterday was a fullfilling day. I cycled to work in aldi's best lycra, and youtubed through the day.
When I got home I walked the dog. Then I watched Fearne Cottons coverage of the Oscars. She is quite a nice girl. I wouldn't mind having her over for some cider.
Then I drank cider whilst listening to Radio 3.