Friday, 31 August 2007
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
I had a day off today... Halleluiah you think when you get a day off. But for me, a day filled with time to be filled fills me with uncontrollable rage. And desire for cider. I awoke to CBBC nipping at my ears like a flick knife; not quite substantial enough to cause any considerable pain but not small enough to simply tickle. Here's something that does tickle: The Jeremy Kyle Show. Never has the the formula of a comfortable middle class man, shouting at a working class man, provoking violence in their simple minds so they will consequently be beaten by a burly security guard worked so well in the 09:30 slot. I enjoyed this debacle so much that I donned a purple suit and hurled abuse at locals. During this endevour I encountered Kate Moss, bird of that junkie that was in a band once. It appears she's fallen on hard times, as she was working at the chippie in town and looking rough as sandpaper. Thorny sandpaper. I initiated the charm and managed to get a chicken and mushroom. I then read her a poem (that spotty pale type she's with writes poems). Needless to say she didnt enjoy it. It seems the court injunction has yet again been breached.
Then I drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.
Check back next week when I'll be doing more fun things
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
HI TRUE BELIEVERS!
Well since I last got my typing fingers in motion a lot has happened. I've been on a family holiday. We visited a fine pub where I talked very loudly about the incredibly small portion put on by the new chef that night. In doing so I shattered some birds self-esteem so now she'll eat even less and serve even smaller portions, but enough about my troubles with the young ladies, or as popular rapper MC lycra would say, woes with the hoes. He's a rascal!
Me and my son Connell "The Kick Conspiracy" made a brief appearance at local chav extravaganza the weldon fest. We scuppered the organisers plans for a lycra free festival as I turned up in my newest look: Cowboy Cyclist Chic. It involves a small pair of lyrca shorts and bright orange shades and a cowboy hat.
Now that you've caught up with the goings on over the last month or so I can get back to the nitty gritty grind of my day to day life. Today was quite a fullfilling day. I awoke to the sound of some nut-job knocking on my door asking if he could borrow a lidl bag to shit in. This is not the start to the day a high flyer like me needs.
I staged my first auditions for my second feature film entitled: "The Rain From No-where". It is a silent movie starring only Scandinavian hobo's. I went through the ranks of Sweden's streets. I encountered a lovely lass named Guus. She assured me that she was in fact a female and that she has all the things in all the right places. She had quite a stubbly face though...
Then I drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.
Check back tomorrow when I'll be doing some more fun things.
Hey true believers!
Yesterday was splendid! I got a visit from Bob Geldof asking me to headline live aid 3 with him. He brought his lovely daughter Peaches round. She wanted me to feed her world so I sent them both packing with a tin of sardines from Lidl. Scruffy Irish bastard...
I've also been experimenting with drinking in public. Makes it feel more authentic y'know? I made my way to the park with a plastic bottle but it didn't feel quite right so I donned a comical nose bandage and put me white lighting in a brown paper bag for the full experience. I got a bit pissed and started screaming at Amy Winehouse. lovely girl she is but she's a bit mental even by my standards. I gave her my version of "rehab" and she phoned the police.
It seems the court injunction is having little effect.
Hello it's been a while my friends.
I have had a turbulent few weeks. Please please please could someone put a stop to the rumours that I am responsible for the removal of underwear from the washing lines in the Exeter estate. Was that you Connell? you little nob. I happen to know the man who is responsible and he's not a nice chappy. He drinks at the candle incidently...
Yesterday was a fullfilling day. I worked out Love will tear us apart with my son and we should be hitting the festival circuit shortly. Keep an eye out for the Big Session in De Montfort. I then walked the dog round the back of lidl and then I had a cup of tea.
Got home and drank cider whilst listening to radio 3.
check back soon when I'll be doing more exciting things.
After the glitz of the ceremony I caught up with Amy Winehouse. It seems the court injunction is having little effect.
Yesterday was a fullfilling day. I cycled to work in aldi's best lycra, and youtubed through the day.
When I got home I walked the dog. Then I watched Fearne Cottons coverage of the Oscars. She is quite a nice girl. I wouldn't mind having her over for some cider.
Then I drank cider whilst listening to Radio 3.